I used to think I knew it all, what I wanted in life – the simplest things and even the most complex. Everything from what I wanted to do, how I wanted to my spend time, to who I wanted to spend it with. But now, I find myself questioning it all.
Life throws experiences at you, many planned, very few unplanned (and often the most catastrophic), but they all define you and change you simultaneously, and most importantly make you think – any small moment can take your perception of the world and sculpt it just a bit, make you question it just a little bit more.
I wonder about time (of course, my last post was all about that ambiguous concept) – but more importantly just ask myself if I’m truly living the life that I want to live. Simple questions like am I living in the right place? to the more complicated – am I doing what I should be doing in my life? to the more pointless questions like do I spend too much time on social media? My point is – everything and in between, I’m wondering if it’s the right thing.
I also find it funny that as we grow older, time moves faster. It’s a chase against the ratio and a race that we’re constantly losing. When I was younger, I had more time – literally speaking and mathematically, too. By the time I was 19, I wrote a novel (self promo: buy it here), drew 10+ paintings (amateur work here), and had time for so many hobbies that my hobby was hobbies. Granted, I was in school and worked part-time, but I had those moments where I was me. Defined. True. Unquestionable.
So, anyone who has interacted with me for 5 minutes this year knows I became obsessed with the series Outlander and although not an original sentiment – there comes a time in the story where all sorts of terrible things happens to the main character, Claire, but upon her return to safety / recovery process, this text goes down:
“Ye’ll do,” he said, “It’s still you, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” I said. And with no warning at all, tears welled up and overflowed. I knew exactly what he’d meant, and why he’d said it – it was true.
I felt as though my center had turned unexpectedly to liquid and was gushing out not from grief, but from relief. I was still me.
So, truthfully – I’m not scared. Everyone my age is going this through this – it’s just not as concerning because we’re still young. We’re just trying to figure out how we want to spend our time – which is a good thing. It’s good to wonder, question – because if you don’t ever allow yourself to feel uncomfortable than will you ever really grow?
- Believe – Mumford & Sons
- Under Your Spell – The Sweeplings
- Fragile Love – Adam Agin
- I Still Love You – Josh Jenkins
- Wherever You Will Go – Charlene Soraia
- My Heart Is Open (feat. Gwen Stefani) – Maroon 5